“and they lowered their expectations and lived happily ever after”

One of the best pieces of marital advice I received before the mystery of my marriage began to unfold was: “and they lowered their expectations and lived happily ever after”.

In terms of marriage, this means that your spouse is the wrong person to place expectations on. Sure, there are appropriate expectations–that you will be faithful to one another, that you will be trustworthy with the vulnerability each gives the other. At the same time, many of our marital expectations are transposed from ourselves, and others are meant to be placed on God. In fact, when we place our expectations in the hands of God, then we and our spouse are able to walk side by side as companions, rather than walk in contention with each other.

Lowering expectations works in most aspects of our lives, such as prayer and fasting. The vision may be “a holy marriage”, “meaningful prayer”, “selfless fasting”. That’s the vision.

“Lowering expectations” is the strategy. “I will pursue meaningful prayer by lowering my expectations about what prayer is supposed to be and to do.”

The tactic may be “one prayer”, “one minute”.

It may be counter-intuitive to strive for lofty goals by setting the bar low, but it is in the beginning, more than the ending, where you have to make sure you don’t fail. That means setting the bar so low you can’t fail. Understanding that one prayer, one minute of prayer, counts.

One prayer counts. One minute counts.

You won’t meet God in the next prayer, or the one after that. You can only meet Him in the prayer you say in this minute.

Contemplating a prayer “rule”–for all its very real benefits–can be daunting. But it is only a string of prayers you say “right now”. I can say a prayer right now. You can say a prayer right now.

We can lower our expectations to this present moment, the only moment in which we can possibly meet God, our spouse, our children, our neighbor.